Security

What does security look like?

This past week I've been pondering my insecurities. Really, it's the fact that I've been feeling them that has made me confront them and have them at the forefront of my mind. There are things that I know to be true but they battle constantly with my doubts and disbelief about myself.

I am good at my job - better than good, in fact. Someone else being acknowledged for their good work does not diminish that. Sometimes not being acknowledged is actually a good thing - it means you're not creating problems or having behavioural issues that need to be addressed. It can actually mean you're being effective. My head knows that to be true. My girly emotional side really struggled with it this week.

If you are a person who does not like to push yourself forward - impose yourself on friends or demand attention, then you shouldn't be surprised when you are over-looked for social interactions. People don't realise that you like these things if you don't tell them.

If you like that you are known for your thoughtfulness and kindness, then don't be surprised if you upset someone when you inadvertently overlook them. Even if you had no idea they'd be interested in your activities.

If you decide to make the effort to do your hair and make-up more carefully than usual, expect that people will notice. They're not saying you look like crap when you don't do it, they're acknowledging your effort (or if you're really honest, they're acknowledging that they think you look nice).

I just don't get me. Seriously. There are so many things that I KNOW and yet I struggle to make them reality. I don't know how to be a secure person. I know how to APPEAR that I am a secure person. But I don't know how to BE one. I've heard all the "embrace your identity in Christ" lines. It might be true, but it's not actually helpful.

I don't ever want to be wholly reliant on others for my esteem and value but it really has been a week of needing to know that there are people and relationships that I CAN be secure in. I'm so thankful for the couple of girlfriends who have embodied that for me lately, and yet, I'm struggling. I'm lonely and I want someone for whom I am number one. I want to be someone's priority.

But how much of a part does my security play in attracting that?

Yep. It's a quandry.

Floods

I don't think I can take much more news about the floods in QLD and NSW. I tear up every time it's on. I can only imagine how much worse, more tragic, it is for the residents and their families.

Heartbreaking.

Easterfest (our Christian music festival) is in Toowoomba, which is one of the worst disaster areas at present. Brisbane, the capital city of QLD is being evacuated and it's all just mind blowing.

Some context: http://yfrog.com/h7864hmj

If you can donate, please do.

http://www.qld.gov.au/floods/donate.html

I am wondering if I'll get called in to help out in the disaster enquiry call centre (I'm on the register). In light of that, I'm off to bed.

Please pray. Especially as they're saying we could have 5 states with serious flooding by the end of the week.

Someday

I've been sitting here tonight listening to the album Brave by Nichole Nordeman. I've listened to it quite a few times but it's not uncommon for me that something new pops out at me at different times. Tonight it was the song "Someday". I believe it was written in the context of Nichole's miscarriage of a baby. Obviously, I've not been through that experience, but it resonated with me nonetheless. I'm waiting for someday...

Someday
Nichole Nordeman

I believe in the rest of the story
I believe there’s still ink in the pen
I have wasted my very last day
Trying to change what happened way back when

I believe it’s the human condition
We all need to have answers to why
More than ever, I’m ready to say that I
Will still sleep peacefully
With answers out of reach from me until…

Someday all that’s crazy
All that’s unexplained
Will fall into place
And someday all that’s hazy
Through a clouded glass
Will be clear at last
And sometimes we’re just waiting
For someday

We are born with a lingering hunger
We are born to be unsatisfied
We are strangers who can’t help but wander
And dream about the other side of…

Someday all that’s crazy
All that’s unexplained
Will fall into place
And someday all that’s hazy
Through a clouded glass
Will be clear at last
And sometimes we’re just waiting
For someday

Every puzzle’s missing piece
Every unsolved mystery
More than half of every whole
Rests in the Hands that hold you for someday….

Someday all that’s crazy
All that’s unexplained
Will fall into place
And someday all that’s hazy
Through a clouded glass
Will be clear at last
And sometimes we’re just waiting
We're waiting for someday
We're just waiting
We are strangers...

I really need to start embracing this. Seriously. It's hard. I want answers and context and justice and all those things that our humanness calls out for - no matter our circumstance - but I know that every time I trust, it turns to good for me. I just have to hold on to that in the midst, not in the hindsight.

I have so many friends (I don't want to name them but I hope they know who they are) who are going through incredibly difficult "stuff" and the grace and courage and determination they're showing and the FAITH they are living just astound me! Marriage breakdown, dealing with the deaths of loved ones, living their lives in the NICU with their beautiful, tiny children - not the normal stuff, the HARD stuff. And all I see is beauty. Pure beauty.

I read their blogs and they're praising God in the midst. They're leaning on Him, they're witnessing to His Kingdom. They're stepping outside of themselves and being Christ. And even when they share the sorrow, the grief, the anger, the overwhelming emotion, there is still beauty. So much beauty.

I'm so thankful for their transparency and their willingness to share their stories. I feel so insignificant, so insecure, so unsure of my place, my direction and my calling. But their stories are teaching me lessons that are letting me live my life. Really live my life - not just exist within it. And I see fruit. Against my human reach of understanding, I see fruit.

I hurt and I question and I cry (a lot) and I wonder. But I know, KNOW that God is good. I don't completely understand my picture, my weaving, but I KNOW that He's got it under control. I just have to be present and see that in the now - not in hindsight.

I'm waiting for someday. With hope.

PS - Brave is a great album - pick it up if you can.

It's A New Year

Yes, thanks Captain Obvious - 2011 has begun. With it, I'm sure will come many challenges but I am hoping and praying that this will be a year of victory - of seeing trust, hope and waiting come to fruition. Maybe a selfish hope, maybe an inspired one - we shall see.

I was pondering this morning, as I was lying in bed wishing for clear sinuses, how just one piece of the picture falling in to place can give you hope for the rest that is to come. I can't give too much detail right now - suffice to say that I got a bit of good news this morning (unexpectedly) that has given me something to look forward to and that will, hopefully, open up a number of bigger and better opportunities for me.

The last couple of months of 2010 brought a number of changes already - especially in my work situation and I can see that 2011 is going to bring many as well. I don't always cope well with change but thankfully, these are positive ones.

Uni starts in early March. That has already thrown me for a loop because it appears that there are no subjects available externally this semester. That means I am going to have excellent time management and trust my boss when he says we can negotiate my work hours. It's also brought to mind that I am going to need to brush up on some of my old study skills - including writing essays and referencing etc. The course is likely to have some challenging moments for me and I need to be able to LEARN. Not just new information, but new skills and new limitations (or at least acknowledging, accepting and working on those that already exist). However, I am excited about this opportunity and what it might mean for my future.

Friendships are going to be different this year. There are going to be new challenges to negotiate in terms of relationships and how to balance them all. I have learned in the past year exactly who I can rely on and that has been a huge blessing. But lives are not stagnant - things change, people change, mixes change. There are going to be babies born, houses bought and sold, decisions made that I have no control over, moves, shakes, laughter, tears. They all change the status quo - have an impact on how people relate to each other, the effort needed, the building of foundations and the renovations of structures already in place. This has already happened quite a bit in the past year but I just have a feeling that this year is going to be even bigger in terms of changes. Some are going to be fantastic and some are going to be quite difficult. I'm trusting my foundations and hoping for a new frontier for myself.

Geographically, it's likely that I will move house this year. The garden here is simply too big and neither of us are good at gardening. It's costing too much to have it kept up to standard and I'm just not a fan of the stress that causes (emotionally or financially). I'm hoping to find a place that is similar (or bigger) in house size but with a small, easy maintenance garden. It's likely that will cost a bit more in rent, but we're also considering adding another housemate to the mix, so that would help. I'm hoping to move a couple of suburbs further north. It's just easier in terms of getting to and from work - I'm tired of negotiating transfers on the bus and would prefer being on the route of a more frequent and direct service. Depending on where Cate is going to uni, that's going to be important for her too.

I would love to be able to plan another trip to Canada and the USA. I'm praying for my finances to be sorted out and for work opportunities to open up to make this a more realistic possibility.

Personally, I want to keep focussing on honesty - with myself and others. I want to know myself so that I can develop myself - and of course, that goes hand in hand with knowing God.

I really need to get my license - that falls in to the finances category too (and commitment and courage).

I'd also like to get these sinuses sorted out! Sheeshness :-P It's amazing how much sinus pain effects my concentration and mood. I've been on the waiting list for the ENT for well over 2 years and I'm ready for it to be sorted out. That frustration could be heightened at this particular point in time because I'm home from work today due to my sinuses. I got about 2 hours sleep last night (no exaggeration) and I'm just incredibly dizzy. My body is only wanting to sleep in fits and spurts and I can only assume that's because of my sinuses, as nothing else has changed recently.

That's all I can think of for now - nothing incredibly exciting or profound, just an acknowledgement of the new year, my hopes, and thought processes. Hope it finds you all happy and healthy.

Oh! Please be in prayer for my friends Jonathan and Bethany whose twin girls were delivered at 28 weeks. There are many challenges for such preemie babies and you can follow their story at http://iamknittogether.blogspot.com/ and/or http://jonathan-chu.blogspot.com/ Thanks!

Full On Week

It has been such a crazy week and a bit. I had to visit the Emergency Room last Monday because just as I was walking out the door to go to work, I noticed that my hands had swollen up and gone very red and hot. The nurse I spoke to on the phone told me to go to the hospital. The Dr there assumed it was an allergic reaction to something and told me to carry Telfast with me. Ok. Long story short, I didn't make it in to work.

So, I get to work on Tuesday and my manager asks me to go in to a meeting room with him. I must have looked worried because he told me straight up I wasn't in trouble. Basically what he told me is that the department I work in will no longer exist in Adelaide as of mid January. We were all being sent to another area in a different building. There were two job types and it was happening in two waves. The first on November 15 and the second on January 17. I was in the January 17 wave and I gave my preference for my job type.

Needless to say, this was quite a shock and I had some immediate feelings of disappointment. I actually like my job and I'm still a little sad that the public contact factor will no longer be in my job description. I will only be dealing with practitioners in the new position. I was also looking forward to advancing another level where I was.

I don't deal very well with change when it's not initiated by me. Part control freak, part anxiety issues. I was feeling thankful that I had until January 17 to get my head around the change and come to terms with what it all meant. And of course, I am VERY thankful that I still have a job. In the private sector, it may have been a very different story.

So, fast forward to Friday afternoon and my boss asks me if I would be willing to go in the first wave instead. I had to think on the spot and was grateful when a co-worker asked him to give me a half hour to think about it. I looked at the team lists and saw that I'd have 3 close friends in my team and it would mean that I could still take my leave in January that I'd planned. I told him I'd do it.

So, now I'm staring down the face of this move. I had my tour of the new building last Tuesday and the lady was lovely. I have a couple of friends over there already and it's a pretty good team that I'm going in to. I met my new director yesterday afternoon and she was very kind and very friendly. We had a presentation at work yesterday (very low key) with the national head of our department and our site bosses. They thanked us for our years of service and gave us each a card saying thank you. We had a site happy hour last night that most of us went to and then the girls from my team went out to dinner.

So, as of Monday, I will only be dealing with tax agents on the phone. Helping them with portal issues and such. I'll guess I'll find out more during the week as training develops. Life is getting very busy because 'tis the season and all that. The timing could be better for the move, but hey, it had to happen now or later. So, we're gearing up for our annual Carols on December 18 and I'll be singing in Rundle Mall next Sunday, November 21.

I feel like I'm losing a bit of touch with friends (except for the ones I'm working with on Carols etc) but I'm hoping that it's just the time of year.

I'm still having physiotherapy on my neck, left shoulder and lower back. I'm a little frustrated with the pain and limitations, but I'm so thankful that I can get affordable (or free) treatment.

I'm sure this is a little disjointed, but I'm just kind of rambling lately to get stuff out. It's also been written in stages, so that won't help :p

I'm signing off for now because my shoulder is ouchy but will try and come back again tomorrow to update.

Loves.

It's been ages

I haven't blogged in a really long time. A lot of what's been going on has been painful and messy. But even in that mess, there has been enormous growth. God has been faithful and been good. As he always is. But there's a lot of hurt and confusion to work through. It's lonely. It's exhausting. It's alienating.

I don't know how to communicate that without people thinking it's about them or that they have to fix me. Or my bigger fear, that they will think my 'stuff' too hard to deal with and withdraw from me. Been there, done that. It hurts bad.

So, yeah, right now, my answer is I. Don't. Know. That's not all bad. It's honest. I can live with honest. If others around me can't, it's not my issue. I have to remember that. Keep reminding myself.

Purpose

I was just lying here thinking. You know, I have no clue what my place is in the grand scheme of things. I'm not a biblical scholar. I haven't managed to finish my degrees yet. I've been rather nomadic for the past few years. I don't have any special title or job description. I don't seem to really 'fit' anywhere.

But I know one thing. I was put on this earth to love. And that's what I'm going to do until the moment I leave. I will love with all I have in me. And when I have none left to give, I'll ask God for an increase. I love. That's Carmel...it's what I do. And you know what? I'm ok with that. More than ok with that.

God is good!