This past week I've been pondering my insecurities. Really, it's the fact that I've been feeling them that has made me confront them and have them at the forefront of my mind. There are things that I know to be true but they battle constantly with my doubts and disbelief about myself.
I am good at my job - better than good, in fact. Someone else being acknowledged for their good work does not diminish that. Sometimes not being acknowledged is actually a good thing - it means you're not creating problems or having behavioural issues that need to be addressed. It can actually mean you're being effective. My head knows that to be true. My girly emotional side really struggled with it this week.
If you are a person who does not like to push yourself forward - impose yourself on friends or demand attention, then you shouldn't be surprised when you are over-looked for social interactions. People don't realise that you like these things if you don't tell them.
If you like that you are known for your thoughtfulness and kindness, then don't be surprised if you upset someone when you inadvertently overlook them. Even if you had no idea they'd be interested in your activities.
If you decide to make the effort to do your hair and make-up more carefully than usual, expect that people will notice. They're not saying you look like crap when you don't do it, they're acknowledging your effort (or if you're really honest, they're acknowledging that they think you look nice).
I just don't get me. Seriously. There are so many things that I KNOW and yet I struggle to make them reality. I don't know how to be a secure person. I know how to APPEAR that I am a secure person. But I don't know how to BE one. I've heard all the "embrace your identity in Christ" lines. It might be true, but it's not actually helpful.
I don't ever want to be wholly reliant on others for my esteem and value but it really has been a week of needing to know that there are people and relationships that I CAN be secure in. I'm so thankful for the couple of girlfriends who have embodied that for me lately, and yet, I'm struggling. I'm lonely and I want someone for whom I am number one. I want to be someone's priority.
But how much of a part does my security play in attracting that?
Yep. It's a quandry.